Finding the Words

I’ve been thinking a great deal about language, probably because many of the people I see struggle mightily with putting their experiences into words. However, the issue is not one of being able to report experiences; few clients have difficulty telling me what has happened to them. Rather, the challenge centers on finding words to capture the texture and meaning of the experience. Language humanizes us. It helps us make sense of what we experience. When language is impaired or occluded, we often feel at sea: confused, anxious, depressed. Language helps us create memories and helps us develop a sense of continuity over time. It brings our experiences to greater consciousness and helps us integrate our external experiences of the world with our interior worlds. The poet May Sarton illustrated this when she remarked “I write prose to find out what I think; I write poetry to find out what I feel.” We often find out what we think by speaking. Language is central to our lives.

There are many reasons that language can become difficult to use. For example, very early childhood trauma may have occurred before language developed, making it difficult to put those experiences into words. Similarly, severe trauma can strip one of language so that the words that might describe it seem inadequate to the depth of the actual experience. There are other barriers: social and family strictures may prohibit giving voice to one’s experience. (I can think of innumerable occasions where clients believed that they could not speak of their feelings because the prevailing social and cultural ethos prevented them from doing so.) Inner, unconscious conflict centering on one’s deepest desires may also prevent one from speaking. Brain damage can also inhibit language. And, of course, we all speak in hope that there will be someone to listen; too often there is no one willing or able to listen.

Many people enter therapy hoping to give voice to their experiences, solve problems, and make sense of their lives. They come into therapy hoping that the therapist will be willing to listen and able to hear the depths of what is being said. Anxiety often signals that there is an issue that has been relegated to silence but which needs to be given voice. Therapy can be a vital means for helping people put their experiences into words.

Overcoming the barriers to giving voice to experience is only one of the challenges to therapy. Another challenge centers on finding a common language. Indeed, the therapist cannot assume that he or she shares the language of the client. Language is fluid; meanings evolve and shift from client to client. Paradoxically, while language can illuminate, it can also obscure. Thus, a great deal of time is spent learning the client’s language—the meanings of specific words, patterns of language, the nuances of tone and non-verbal cues, feelings embedded in language, meanings hidden within it.

Psychotherapy, in its essence, is about helping you give voice to that which has been unexpressed. It’s a process of helping you find the words to express feelings—something that many people have trouble with—explore memories that have been buried, air wounds, and find meaning. Psychotherapy creates a safe space where words can be found. The therapist will listen very carefully and very deeply not only to hear what is spoken but to elicit what may be unspoken. The therapist will invite the client to give voice to that which has been unexpressed. And the therapeutic process will help client find meaning in his experience, allowing for healing and creating wholeness. Ultimately, by inviting you to put your experience into words, psychotherapy can help you transform your life.

Stinking Thinking

People in recovery from addictions who are active in 12-step programs (AA, NA) often talk about their “stinking thinking’”—a reference to a pattern of thinking that, unchecked, can lead to relapse. “Stinking thinking” encompasses everything from actual thoughts of using, outright denial or minimization of the addiction, to beliefs recovering people have about themselves and their relationships with the addiction. There is little doubt that, as an addiction takes hold and progresses, thinking changes, becoming increasingly dysfunctional and destructive. The changes are subtle at first and become entrenched over time. The following example illustrates:

You are invited to a party. Upon arrival, you look around but don’t see anyone you know. The friend who invited you isn’t there yet. Feeling a bit anxious and awkward, you see that someone has set up a bar and drinks are being served. You decide to have a drink since “alcohol is a social lubricant” and will “take the edge off” your anxiety. Having taken a drink, you now feel able to manage your anxiety and begin to work the room.

A great deal of thinking is embedded in this scenario: perceptions and reactions to the party, perceptions and thoughts about yourself in relation to strangers, expectations about social situations and relationships, expectations about what a substance will do, reasoning and decision-making, perceptions and thoughts about “feeling better.” The scenario also points to beliefs: beliefs about the ability to manage anxiety, beliefs about alcohol’s effects, beliefs about yourself and your capabilities. Many of these thoughts and beliefs are not fully conscious but are nonetheless present and have impact.

Thoughts and beliefs certainly impact behavior--and vice versa. One of the most insidious beliefs that many people struggling with addiction have centers on shame and self-efficacy: “I am inadequate and do not have enough strength in me to cope with life without the substance. I NEED________.” Or “my feelings are bigger than me, and I need _________ to manage them.” The addicted person identifies with his/her inadequacy and shame (“I AM inadequate”).

There is a kind of circularity to addictive thinking. Thoughts emerge from beliefs, which are reinforced by addictive behaviors, which leads to additional addictive thinking and further reinforcement of the beliefs. Over time, addictive beliefs tend to become reductive as addictive reasoning develops. Indeed, reasoning becomes less rational and less fact-based as addiction progresses; emotional reasoning (“If it feels good, it must be OK”) is a hallmark of addictive thinking. Indeed, it’s a vicious cycle.

Sadly, addiction ultimately reinforces the shame and beliefs about inadequacy as self-efficacy and control is lost to the addiction.

One of the reasons that “just say ‘no’” (remember Nancy Reagan?) and willpower don’t work as strategies for managing and overcoming addictions is that they don’t address the subtle thoughts and beliefs that persist long after the substance is out of one’s body. I’ve often remarked that, hard as it is to control or even stop using substances, it is much harder to change one’s thinking. And yet changing one’s thinking and beliefs is the essence of recovery.

Psychotherapy is an effective means for identifying, reflecting on, understanding and even changing “stinking thinking.” Among other aims, one goal of addiction treatment is to raise awareness about what one’s thoughts actually are. Many of us are only vaguely aware of what we are thinking at any given moment. Moreover, we are usually not aware of how our beliefs shape our perceptions and thoughts—and our subsequent choices and behavior. Therapy can raise awareness, thereby helping us to find the freedom to make different choices in response to situational challenges. While the therapist will certainly not tell you what or how to think, he/she will hold up a mirror so that you can clearly perceive your thoughts/beliefs in action, and decide whether those beliefs remain valid in your present experience and whether you want to continue to choose the same behaviors.

Psychotherapy is ultimately about helping you find and own your inner power—something that has been lost or even given away through addiction. Developing self-awareness is an important step toward changing dysfunctional thinking. And changed thinking can change your life.