“I want to understand her… I’m afraid of losing her.” Relationship issues commonly arise in therapy. The scenario goes something like this: a young man comes into therapy sharing desperate distress arising from his relationship. He describes feeling alternately connected and disconnected from his girlfriend, and he is confused about the disconnection. He talks about feeling an intimacy with her that was unlike any other he’d experienced; however, those moments of emotional intimacy quickly dissipate when he felt her suddenly withdraw from him. Whenever she withdraws, he feels abandoned and subsequently absents himself from her. He does not understand her behavior and feels he is on an emotional rollercoaster. He says that he never quite feels that their relationship is on stable ground.
Couples work typically raises questions about communication, about how expectations and needs are being articulated in the relationship, and about the fundamental assumptions each person makes about the other—assumptions that often are not questioned, assumptions that create barriers to meaningful intimacy. All reasonable issues. However, I am also aware of the powerful desire for erotic and emotional intimacy that is being expressed. And yet, equally powerful anxiety about desire is being expressed at the same time. In these moments, I often wonder if the girlfriend was experiencing similar desire and anxiety. It often appears so. Indeed, desire and anxiety create conflict which then shapes many relationships.
Desire is fundamental to being human. We all experience desire, and our desires have many objects. We constantly live with desire. Desire is our growing edge; as such, desire often destabilizes us, particularly as we reach for that which we want. Desire is often erotic, and our experience of erotic desire for one another is probably the most challenging for us; it exposes us as people with needs. We often feel vulnerable when we feel desire. Hence the anxiety that arises when we feel powerful desires. And when we desire something that would appear to be forbidden, our experience of anxiety is likely to be amplified. Indeed, we are often NOT comfortable with our desires. And we are not comfortable feeling vulnerable. So, we defend against our desires—both consciously and unconsciously.
The desire for erotic and emotional intimacy is an experience most of us feel deeply. We desire to be known by another person, and yet we fear being known fully. We desire a sense of connection, and yet we fear connection and often withdraw from it. Intimacy asks us to be vulnerable—to be open to the unknown, to be open to the possible. Intimacy asks that we give up some of our defenses, our need for control and learn instead to risk being vulnerable and share control.
The dynamics of any human relationship are complex, especially our most intimate relationships. Most of us enter relationships with preconceived notions about how relationships are supposed to work. We carry the baggage of our past relationships into the present; for better or worse, our past relational experiences impact how we approach our present relationships. But more important, we also bring our desires (and anxieties) into the relationship.
Over the years, it’s become clear to me that being able to identify one’s desires, understand them, accept them and manage them are keys to healthy relationships and healthy living. Psychotherapy is, of course, known for helping people deal with their anxieties, but it is not as well known for its ability to help people live with their desires. This is unfortunate because that is what psychotherapy is really all about! (One of Freud's most important insights centered on his understanding that fears are really wishes--desires that have been repressed.) Getting in touch with, understanding, and accepting one’s desire(s) is one of the most life-giving, life-affirming aspects of psychotherapy. Learning to be vulnerable, take risks, and take responsibility for one's desire is similarly life-giving.
Indeed, to feel desire is to feel alive.