Shame is one of the most powerful and negatively impactful experiences a human can have. Shame is traumatic. It evokes aversive feelings of powerlessness, painful body sensations (cringing, nausea, muscle tensions), and a strong impulse to run away and hide. We tend to remember experiences that gave rise to shame: humiliations, exposure of desires deemed socially unacceptable, trauma. The experience of shame can resonate over a lifetime. Shame can shape our perceptions of ourselves and others, and it can shape the decisions we make over the course of our lives. Shame exposes vulnerabilities that we want to protect.
In my view, shame’s most significant impact centers on its ability to shape identity. Shame is reflected in negative core beliefs we hold about ourselves. In therapy, I hear shame when clients say “I am flawed, I am worthless, I am unlovable.” These beliefs are often at the heart of depressive and anxiety disorders.
Shame is not the same thing as guilt. Guilt is specific to a situation and arises when you engage a behavior that violates a rule or a standard you hold for yourself. Shame, on the other hand, is more global: shame centers on identity (“I do bad things because I am a bad person” or “I feel bad because I am defective person.”) As such, shame can create self-punishing cognitive loops where you ruminate on your perceived flaws.
Shame often leads us to believe that our condition is permanent and unchanging. While we can atone and move on when we feel guilty, we find it difficult to move out of shame. Indeed, moving out of shame is much harder because it involves modifying beliefs about who we are.
Tough as it is, shame can be healed, and taking action is key to healing it. Here are a few steps you can take toward healing shame:
1. Take a deep breath and face whatever it is that makes you uncomfortable. The discomfort will not be permanent. Trying to run away or deny your feelings may serve to shield you from discomfort in the short-term but will haunt you over the long-term. Feelings are not permanent and indeed come and go on their own. Remember: you are bigger than your feelings and therefore have the power to manage them.
2. Practice “radical acceptance.” Radical acceptance is not the same as passive resignation. Rather, radical acceptance says “this is how it I feel now, and I aspire to change.” Radical acceptance is an active first step toward reclaiming your power.
3. Be mindful about living in the present. Ask yourself: “what is really happening RIGHT NOW? Am I adding a story about being shamed to what is happening right now? Am I behaving this way because I was shamed in the past“? Whatever happened that shamed you is over—it’s in the past. Your past need not dictate the decisions you make for the present. And know that past-present mindfulness will be a life-long practice that can inoculate you against being paralyzed by shame.
4. Focus your attention away from preoccupations about yourself. Engage in an activity that is playful or that gives you pleasure. Reach out to others who can give you emotional support.
5. Honor your feelings, especially anger. The experience of humiliation, of being disempowered, of unwanted exposure can also evoke anger. Well-understood and well-channeled anger can be a course of healthy power and activism.
6. Be tender and compassionate with yourself. Since shame tends to make us alert to our vulnerabilities, it is important to be aware of those vulnerabilities and respond to them with gentleness and love.
7. Seek help. Healing traumatic shame—working through the intense emotions that characterize shame and modifying beliefs about your self--is not easy because its impact is far-reaching. The practice of mindful awareness, evaluating and challenging those beliefs, and de-coupling past from the present is hard work, but work that can be facilitated by a competent therapist.
You need not be dominated by shame. It need not define who you are. Take control and heal.