Healing Shame

Shame is one of the most powerful and negatively impactful experiences a human can have.  Shame is traumatic.  It evokes aversive feelings of powerlessness, painful body sensations (cringing, nausea, muscle tensions), and a strong impulse to run away and hide.  We tend to remember experiences that gave rise to shame:  humiliations, exposure of desires deemed socially unacceptable, trauma.  The experience of shame can resonate over a lifetime.  Shame can shape our perceptions of ourselves and others, and it can shape the decisions we make over the course of our lives.  Shame exposes vulnerabilities that we want to protect. 

In my view, shame’s most significant impact centers on its ability to shape identity.  Shame is reflected in negative core beliefs we hold about ourselves.  In therapy, I hear shame when clients say “I am flawed, I am worthless, I am unlovable.” These beliefs are often at the heart of depressive and anxiety disorders.

Shame is not the same thing as guilt.  Guilt is specific to a situation and arises when you engage a behavior that violates a rule or a standard you hold for yourself.  Shame, on the other hand, is more global:  shame centers on identity (“I do bad things because I am a bad person” or “I feel bad because I am defective person.”)  As such, shame can create self-punishing cognitive loops where you ruminate on your perceived flaws.

Shame often leads us to believe that our condition is permanent and unchanging.  While we can atone and move on when we feel guilty, we find it difficult to move out of shame.  Indeed, moving out of shame is much harder because it involves modifying beliefs about who we are.

Tough as it is, shame can be healed, and taking action is key to healing it.  Here are a few steps you can take toward healing shame:

1.       Take a deep breath and face whatever it is that makes you uncomfortable.  The discomfort will not be permanent. Trying to run away or deny your feelings may serve to shield you from discomfort in the short-term but will haunt you over the long-term. Feelings are not permanent and indeed come and go on their own.  Remember:  you are bigger than your feelings and therefore have the power to manage them.

2.       Practice “radical acceptance.”  Radical acceptance is not the same as passive resignation.  Rather, radical acceptance says “this is how it I feel now, and I aspire to change.”  Radical acceptance is an active first step toward reclaiming your power. 

3.       Be mindful about living in the present.  Ask yourself:  “what is really happening RIGHT NOW?  Am I adding a story about being shamed to what is happening right now?  Am I behaving this way because I was shamed in the past“? Whatever happened that shamed you is over—it’s in the past.  Your past need not dictate the decisions you make for the present.  And know that past-present mindfulness will be a life-long practice that can inoculate you against being paralyzed by shame.

4.       Focus your attention away from preoccupations about yourself.  Engage in an activity that is playful or that gives you pleasure.  Reach out to others who can give you emotional support.

5.       Honor your feelings, especially anger.  The experience of humiliation, of being disempowered, of unwanted exposure can also evoke anger.  Well-understood and well-channeled anger can be a course of healthy power and activism. 

6.       Be tender and compassionate with yourself.  Since shame tends to make us alert to our vulnerabilities, it is important to be aware of those vulnerabilities and respond to them with gentleness and love.

7.       Seek help.  Healing traumatic shame—working through the intense emotions that characterize shame and modifying beliefs about your self--is not easy because its impact is far-reaching.  The practice of mindful awareness, evaluating and challenging those beliefs, and de-coupling past from the present is hard work, but work that can be facilitated by a competent therapist. 

You need not be dominated by shame.  It need not define who you are.  Take control and heal.

Creating Stability When the World Turns Upside Down: A Personal Response to the 2016 Election

Like so many Americans (nearly half, as the poll numbers show), the outcome of the 2016 Election has evoked profound anxiety and despair in me.  Like many Americans, the night of November 8th was a sleepless one for me.  Like many Americans, I watched the markets closely on November 9th, worried about the short and long-term economic impact of the election.  Like many Americans, I am worried about the impact that this election might have on international alliances.  And like many Americans, I feel disoriented and discomfited that the country I’ve lived in has become so divided, unwelcoming, fearful.  The uncertainty with which we are now living is deeply unsettling and scary.

I spent my sleepless night thinking about how to respond, and though there are many unknowns at this early moment, I’ve made several decisions about how I will comport myself going forward.   While I am well aware of the impulses that arise from my experience of anger, despair and anxiety, I am committed to making conscious cognitive and behavioral choices when responding to whatever arises in this new era.  My decision is to live intentionally, choosing responses that are rooted in love and compassion, and that serve justice stability and community.

Let me be more specific.

First, I will not add to the anxiety- and anger-fueled noise that have come to dominate public discourse.  Nervous as I feel, I will not let anxiety dominate me; nor will I be possessed by despair and anger.  This means I am committed to being aware of what I’m feeling, while also being mindful how I speak, what I say, and the actions I take.  I will try hard to speak with compassion and clarity. When clarity is lacking, I will try to remember that it might be best not to speak at all.  Impulsive actions do not often beget stability or constructive outcomes.

Second, I am committed to managing my anxiety or anger so that those feelings do not fuel impulsivity or create chaos.  Instead, I will try to channel the energy generated by anxiety and anger to advocate for justice, compassion and inclusion.  There can be little peace when actions are fueled by anxiety and anger.  In addition to being a healer, I am committed to being a peacemaker.   There will be times where activism and advocacy are essential, and I hope to have the clarity and courage to take timely, mindful action when required.

Third, I am committed to reach for perspective, to try to discern the larger picture while remaining firmly grounded in the present moment.  We are living a moment of deep uncertainty, a moment that requires a response that begins with acceptance of ambiguity. 

Fourth, I am committed to accept reality as it is instead of writing a speculative story about what is happening or what might happen next; in my experience, writing such stories is likely to create only more anxiety.  This is not to say that I won’t aspire to or advocate for change. 

Accepting ambiguity and uncertainty is very difficult in this day and age:  technology daily brings the world’s problems and interpretations about world events into our homes with an immediacy that creates an illusion of close proximity.  While we are indeed interconnected, it is easy to lose perspective about national and world events because the stories about them—interpretations and speculations—quickly arise, grow and multiply, and filter our perceptions about events.  Too often, we focus on interpretations about events, confusing our interpretations with the events themselves.  I am committed to being mindful about what is happening in the present without creating more chaos with speculations and stories.  To that end, I am limiting my exposure to social media and television, both of which have become echo chambers that distort reality.

And I am committed to staying in relationship with others when the going gets hard. 

Buddhists will recognize that I am committing myself to the “Middle Way”, to ‘being peace,” as Thich Nhat Hanh wrote.  It is a commitment that requires mindful attention to the absolute present, the here-and-now—and letting go of the stories I allow myself to ruminate upon.  It is a commitment that asks that I meet each moment as it arises, and respond to what actually is—not the stories about what is.  It is a difficult way because it means honoring my feelings without getting caught up in them, reaching for compassion, and finding the courage to be present to whatever arises. 

But I believe that the commitment I’m making is a first step toward meeting the challenges of a new era.  It is the response I choose for this moment.  The next moment may ask that I make another choice, and I’ll respond then and only then.