Healing Shame

Shame is one of the most powerful and negatively impactful experiences a human can have.  Shame is traumatic.  It evokes aversive feelings of powerlessness, painful body sensations (cringing, nausea, muscle tensions), and a strong impulse to run away and hide.  We tend to remember experiences that gave rise to shame:  humiliations, exposure of desires deemed socially unacceptable, trauma.  The experience of shame can resonate over a lifetime.  Shame can shape our perceptions of ourselves and others, and it can shape the decisions we make over the course of our lives.  Shame exposes vulnerabilities that we want to protect. 

In my view, shame’s most significant impact centers on its ability to shape identity.  Shame is reflected in negative core beliefs we hold about ourselves.  In therapy, I hear shame when clients say “I am flawed, I am worthless, I am unlovable.” These beliefs are often at the heart of depressive and anxiety disorders.

Shame is not the same thing as guilt.  Guilt is specific to a situation and arises when you engage a behavior that violates a rule or a standard you hold for yourself.  Shame, on the other hand, is more global:  shame centers on identity (“I do bad things because I am a bad person” or “I feel bad because I am defective person.”)  As such, shame can create self-punishing cognitive loops where you ruminate on your perceived flaws.

Shame often leads us to believe that our condition is permanent and unchanging.  While we can atone and move on when we feel guilty, we find it difficult to move out of shame.  Indeed, moving out of shame is much harder because it involves modifying beliefs about who we are.

Tough as it is, shame can be healed, and taking action is key to healing it.  Here are a few steps you can take toward healing shame:

1.       Take a deep breath and face whatever it is that makes you uncomfortable.  The discomfort will not be permanent. Trying to run away or deny your feelings may serve to shield you from discomfort in the short-term but will haunt you over the long-term. Feelings are not permanent and indeed come and go on their own.  Remember:  you are bigger than your feelings and therefore have the power to manage them.

2.       Practice “radical acceptance.”  Radical acceptance is not the same as passive resignation.  Rather, radical acceptance says “this is how it I feel now, and I aspire to change.”  Radical acceptance is an active first step toward reclaiming your power. 

3.       Be mindful about living in the present.  Ask yourself:  “what is really happening RIGHT NOW?  Am I adding a story about being shamed to what is happening right now?  Am I behaving this way because I was shamed in the past“? Whatever happened that shamed you is over—it’s in the past.  Your past need not dictate the decisions you make for the present.  And know that past-present mindfulness will be a life-long practice that can inoculate you against being paralyzed by shame.

4.       Focus your attention away from preoccupations about yourself.  Engage in an activity that is playful or that gives you pleasure.  Reach out to others who can give you emotional support.

5.       Honor your feelings, especially anger.  The experience of humiliation, of being disempowered, of unwanted exposure can also evoke anger.  Well-understood and well-channeled anger can be a course of healthy power and activism. 

6.       Be tender and compassionate with yourself.  Since shame tends to make us alert to our vulnerabilities, it is important to be aware of those vulnerabilities and respond to them with gentleness and love.

7.       Seek help.  Healing traumatic shame—working through the intense emotions that characterize shame and modifying beliefs about your self--is not easy because its impact is far-reaching.  The practice of mindful awareness, evaluating and challenging those beliefs, and de-coupling past from the present is hard work, but work that can be facilitated by a competent therapist. 

You need not be dominated by shame.  It need not define who you are.  Take control and heal.

It May NOT Be Over

Several years ago, I consulted with a woman who complained of feeling “out of sorts”:  she felt tense much of the time, unable to concentrate, and was frequently irritable with her husband.  She reported that she would “drift off” for long periods of time:  she’d sit staring into space, but could not describe what she was thinking or feeling.  She said, “I don’t exactly feel depressed, but I know I’m not myself.  I’m usually pretty upbeat and able to manage working and my family.  I take care of myself, but lately haven’t felt like walking; I don’t enjoy going outdoors.  This is not me.”

She and I talked to try to understand what was happening with her. Indeed, she did not seem depressed, although some of her mood symptoms were depressive.  Nor did she seem particularly anxious.  In fact, she was poised, well-spoken and self-assured. 

As we spoke, she revealed that she had been witness to a car accident 6 months earlier where 3 people were killed.  The accident occurred about 100 feet ahead her, and she reported that the speed of the cars and their impact was such that she instantly knew someone had been killed, although she did not see the people in the cars.  She vividly described her husband swerving to avoid collision, the impact of the cars and her intense feelings of fear and horror at the time.  She did not know the people involved, but remembers her heart pounding and feeling afraid for her own life.  Following the accident, she reported that she felt tense and on edge for several weeks; she also had difficulty sleeping and reported that she had nightmares about the accident.  However, these symptoms abated after about a month.  She did not associate her current symptoms with what she had witnessed. 

She knew she had been traumatized.  But what she didn’t realize was that the trauma was still affecting her.

Trauma can reverberate for a long time.  While the most acute manifestations of trauma often abate over time, unless the trauma is dealt with, the effects can recur in a number of ways.  Some signs:

·         Insomnia

·         Headaches

·         Vague lower back pain, muscle weakness

·         Fatigue

·         Inability to concentrate

·         Feeling unable to eat, or, alternatively, wanting to eat even though you’re not hungry

·         “Drifting off”—moments of lost time when you can’t identify what you’ve been thinking or feeling

·         Difficulty concentrating on tasks at hand

·         Feeling tense, unable to relax

·         Irritability that you can’t explain

·         Alternately wanting to be with people and wanting to be left alone

·         Hypervigilance

·         Feeling “at loose ends”—restless, unable to focus, not knowing what to do

·         Feeling emotional, and not understanding why

These effects may occur days, weeks, months, or sometimes years after the trauma occurred.  It’s been my experience that many people experience these symptoms (and others) but don’t connect them with the trauma because the trauma occurred long ago.  Instead, they chalk the signs up to “stress” and try to power through the feelings.  Yet clients usually feel uneasy because they don’t quite understand why the discomfort is occurring.

I think it’s important to recognize these as signs that the trauma continues to linger.  They are signs that you have been traumatized.   Recognizing that you’ve been traumatized is an important first step toward healing.  And there are additional steps you can take to help yourself feel better:

·         Try to get rest and eat well.

·         Exercise:  vigorous exercise helps you rid yourself of the stress hormones and chemicals in your system.

·         Involve yourself in activities that distract your brain from ruminating on your feelings.

·         Be kind and gentle with yourself; turn down the volume on your inner critic.  After all, you’ve been traumatized.  Give yourself a break and a chance to heal.

·         Listen to soothing music.

·         Do things that increase your sense of safety and control.

·         Develop a routine, but undertake tasks at a slower pace.

·         Avoid using alcohol or other drugs to unwind.

·         Avoid blaming yourself for what happened or how you reacted.

And of course, it’s important to talk about what happened—WHEN YOU ARE READY.  (It’s not a good idea to try to talk about the trauma when you don’t feel ready.)  Therapy is a good venue to safely talk and heal.

There are many paths to healing and transforming trauma.  In fact, a number of therapies have developed to help people heal from trauma:  Cognitive therapies, EMDR, Somatic Experiencing, among others.  Finding a therapist who is trained in trauma therapies is key.  (Not all therapists have special training in the treatment of trauma.  It’s important to research and consult with a few therapists before committing to a therapy.)

Nonetheless, recognizing the signs that trauma is affecting you is a good first step toward healing.